Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I am going to try this at home...
Blogging from Belize seemed like such a natural thing to do. Blogging from Oxford, Mississippi does not seem as natural to me. I have been home for two months and it seems like forever. My mind does wander back to San Pedro though - maybe more often than it should. I just miss being there. It is not that my life here is not good - I have a good life. I have a great family. My kids are awesome. I am relatively problem free - nothing I can't handle anyway. I have a great job. So what is it? i thought before that it was because I was on vacation or did not have the responsibilities that I have at home when I am in San Pedro - but no - I lived there for five months and worked a regular work week. I worked probably harder and in a more stressful situation than my work at home. I had problems beyond my capability of solving. There is a difference in me - when I look in the mirror - I do not see the same person as I remember seeing in Belize. I do not feel the same. I can look at pictures of myself in Belize and know there is a difference. I just can't seem to get myself to the same place in my mind. I have tried and continue to try. I think that is why I am not blogging - it makes me frustrated and somewhat sad to think about how much I want to be in Belize but then I get angry at myself for not being content here because I have been very blessed and have what I need...I think - so what is missing?
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Sometimes, what is missing is our heart's desire. I remember back when my heart's desire was to be at HSU, and I prayed and prayed for it. Every road fell through short of the destination. Then one day, I had the awareness that I was where I needed to be at that moment, and thanked God for giving me that awareness, and chose to be where I was. Oddly enough, once I did that, the door opened, and I was suddenly at HSU. Our heart's desire is just that: the desire of our heart to have the thing that matters to us, blessings or no blessings. You can choose what you have, while still desiring your heart's love for Belize. Doors closing, doors opening, it's only change. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeletebelize--impossible to forget.
ReplyDeleteplease keep blogging from home though, miss you!
kim it is so nice to have someone way more articulate that i am express the valid reasons why i,too,feel unsatisfied and empty up here.oh and yes,guilty because of the many blessings here BUT.....
ReplyDeletelove you
courtney