The night before

The anticipation is all encompassing. There is no way my mind can be on anything else but Belize. Up until this time, I was able to pay attention to everyone else and meet the needs of everyone in my life. It gets to the less than 12 hours until I get on a plane to begin the journey back to Belize and there is no way I can talk about anything but going to Belize. I am so excited. I have said those four words so many times today. I told Courtney (our love for Belize has bonded us) that I would have no words if I did not have "I am so excited." What other words are there to describe this feeling?

I recently attended a conference and one of the speakers said that we should put ourselves in the place in which we we can reach our greatest potential. I think I am the best person I can be in Belize. I am able to give. My skills and talents are needed. I am validated as a worthwhile person. I have thought about why do I feel this so strong in Belize and why can't I accomplish this at home? I have some answers - I think - I would rather talk about them than write them in a blog - so find me and we can have a conversation.

That's another thing - there seems to be time for regular conversations in Belize - not just facebook, email, text and telephone - real face-to-face meaningful, caring conversations about whatever. I need this.

One of my students has never been on a plane or seen the ocean - anywhere. I have to be with her when she sees the ocean for the first time. I am more excited for her than I am for myself! There was a commercial on tv a moment ago that talked about - you are about to have a life changing experience - how cool is it that I can enable the students on this trip to have life changing experiences?! Well, that is my goal....we will see if it is accomplished - I really just set the wheels in motion - the people of San Pedro will do the rest!

I'm Back!

Thought I would start blogging again even though I am not back in Belize yet. I am so excited though because I will be there in two days! This is the hardest time (the waiting) but a time of great anticipation. Every time I go to Belize it is a totally different experience. This time I am taking 7 students with me. They are awesome people and great students so the possibilities of what they will accomplish is endless. Five students are social work majors, one political science and one public policy. They are taking a class in Education, Health and Child Welfare in Belize. This is a service learning class. I also will have four others helping - three social workers and a business person. We are still working in San Mateo and at Holy Cross to help families and try to improve the situations for the children in this community.

My mind is just filled with "what is it going to be like this time?" I wonder what fun memories we will have when it is time to come home. I can't wait to be where there is Kareoke any night of the week! I get to renew old friendships and just feel that sea breeze and sun! After a very wet dreary few months in Mississippi that is very needed for my mental health. I love to see a person's face - who has never been to San Pedro - and when you travel down Front street and get to the city park and they can see the ocean view for the first time - the face lights up and there is a look of awe like no other - a gasp usually accompanies - "it is so beautiful!" - I then know I have arrived and I get to share the experience with someone who is going to have the time of his/her life! I have such a sense of calm and "everything's gonna be alright."

I really feel like I have arrived when I see the landscape of Belize coming into the international airport. I love this country so much that it seems as I first see the land of Belize - I am able to breath again. It is like I wasn't sure that everything would align itself in the world for me to be there again and then I let myself believe it is really true - I am going to really be in Belize. It is like I held my breath until I saw it for real.

So I better finish packing up the bathing suits and sunscreen. Wish you were going with me! and if you are....I am so excited for you!!!!

The connection.

I just had a long lunch with Courtney. I met Courtney in Belize and have continued to email and recently we talked on the phone. We managed to meet halfway and have lunch today. Why is this a blog topic? I just want to write about how Belize connected us. This is another really wonderful phenomenon that occurs among people who love Belize. Like Courtney and I, really great friends are brought together through the common love for Belize. We talked like we have been friends for years. I am so grateful to be able to talk with her and not have to explain my feelings - a common response was "I know". I feel almost like I was sharing stories while sitting at a San Pedro beach bar - just calm and cool and most of all understood. The friendships continue after we get home and are lasting relationships. This just seems pretty special to me.

Life is good. The beginning of the fall football season is today! Go REBELS!!!!! I am so pumped. I am very proud of our football players. I have several of these young men in my classes. I am very proud of them and their ability to keep up their grades whie working so hard on the field. I know that is true for other teams but hey - I love Ole Miss!

The most important part...

I was trying to think about what to write. I have had a lot of activities in my life - including cleaning out closets and basically the house, giving it all away in a yard sale, helping a friend with dental surgery after care, moving Anna and Christian in for the semester ( getting my house baby proff for an 18 month old after no babies for 19 years!), Ben coming home for the weekend, a baby shower, an all-day faculty retreat, talking with Amanda, David, Ben, Jeremy, Ernesto, Mom & Dad, sisters and brothers and special friends....and keeping up with my younger friends and students in all their travels, fun, relationships and issues, singing kareoke....but what lingers in my mind to write about?

I got a phone call from one of my Belizean kid's moms...one of the 8 year old boys...she called just so that he could talk to me. He told me that he loved me so much and missed me. I was so happy and excited to talk to him. I asked him if I could send him anything...I should have known - shoes! He loves converse tennis shoes. I asked him if he wanted anythign else - nope. I do not know why he and I connected but we just did and I miss him.

My friend Sherry is having problems with her plateletts not being high enoguh to take her chemo. I hope all of my friends reading this will send up a prayer for her. it is so hard right now - we know she needs the chemo but she feels so much better without it. Without it though and the cancer will grow....

I have to go to the doctor on Wednesday to hear about my biopsy - one of those cervical issues. I am not worried, I just know it will require something to be done. I also have all those wonderful tests/exams due. argh. It is hard to get old but it is a good thing!

I guess I am constantly reminded of how precious life is and I am always thinking about how to make the most of my life. I am always questioning where I am suppose to be and what I am suppose to be doing...I am in that place where I know something is about to happen that will change things - not sure what though. Maybe I just live in this mode since my life always changes and I even though I have tried to achieve contentment - about the time I become content - something happens to lead me down another road....tring to figure out my way. I guess the road less traveled and challenge is where I am most content.

Classes begin tomorrow so better get ready....love y'all!

I am going to try this at home...

Blogging from Belize seemed like such a natural thing to do. Blogging from Oxford, Mississippi does not seem as natural to me. I have been home for two months and it seems like forever. My mind does wander back to San Pedro though - maybe more often than it should. I just miss being there. It is not that my life here is not good - I have a good life. I have a great family. My kids are awesome. I am relatively problem free - nothing I can't handle anyway. I have a great job. So what is it? i thought before that it was because I was on vacation or did not have the responsibilities that I have at home when I am in San Pedro - but no - I lived there for five months and worked a regular work week. I worked probably harder and in a more stressful situation than my work at home. I had problems beyond my capability of solving. There is a difference in me - when I look in the mirror - I do not see the same person as I remember seeing in Belize. I do not feel the same. I can look at pictures of myself in Belize and know there is a difference. I just can't seem to get myself to the same place in my mind. I have tried and continue to try. I think that is why I am not blogging - it makes me frustrated and somewhat sad to think about how much I want to be in Belize but then I get angry at myself for not being content here because I have been very blessed and have what I need...I think - so what is missing?

My Last Night

Wow, it was hard to even write that title - I am numb right now. I have choked back so many tears in the last few days that I can't even cry now. The children all made cards for me and came up to me on Friday telling me good-bye and asking me why i had to leave. One of my little boys that I have worked with asked me - "but, Miss Kim, why do you have to leave us?" I told him that I needed to work to make money so I could come back. He said, "but this is your work" and I said I do not make money when I am here and I have to have ajob where I make money. He said, "tell them to pay you here." boom done, simple as that. One of my boys - the one I want to take home and said it would be ok with his mom...he was acting terrible all week. So disruptive that they asked his mom to come to school to help keep him under control. I asked her and her son to come and talk to me on Friday. She told me that she knew he was acting up because I was leaving and that she ven told him that if he was good that she would take him to the states to se ehis older brother that he missed. He was standing by us as we talked. I asked her where his brother lived and she said - Mississippi! I was shocked and told them that is where I live. I could see him if they came. He brightened up and smiled...then his mom asked me if it was ok for them to call me in the states. I said of course - she told him that he could call me every week if he was good in class and did his work. This is the same mom that was not very happy with me in January when I began talking to her about not lashing and beating the child so much - we have worked on finding other ways....She told me that she was thankful and that she thinks he loves me like a mom and I told her that she is his mom and he loves her - I am just his friend. She just hugged me. Child after child after child after child - I think I got over 500 hugs friday. I read "oh the places you will go" to the young people about to graduate. One of the children's cards said - I love you Miss Kim and therapy was really fun." My toughest kids that were angry with me at times were the ones that wouldn't even go home at the end of the day.

The one I couldn't quit crying over though....was my little 3 year old from the community - remember the house blessing? His mom brought him to school in the morning and said his 5 year old brother had told him that I was going away to the states and he had only talked about that for two days wanting his mom to let him see, Miss Kim before she went home. He came running into the office and crawled up on my lap just clinging to my neck and holding on for dear life. I just rocked him and his mom said, he can't stand that you are leaving and we are all sad. then she told me that they were going to get him baptised and asked him who he wanted to be his godmother - explaining about baptism and godmothers - he said "Ms. Kim" so she asked me if I would come back when he could be baptised with me here. I asked him - "do you wnt me to be your Godmother?" He just shook his head yes and hugged me tighter. His mom started crying and we just hugged and cried. The connections I feel with the people here are hard to explain. He would not leave me to go home.

Then I was given a farewell lunchoen. We had a dish that I have never had called "black dish" and homemade corn tortillas. Everyone was like this is the best food we have ever had and Ms. Rosallea just smiled and said I saved the best for Ms. Kim. I found out that it is a special local food that is used for special occassions. the teachers and Ms. Grace and Ms. Laura were to gracious and said such nice things. One person said that they had never met anyone not from Belize that would hold these kids and love them no matter what - that I truly love them all and that they know I love the teachers too. I do love them and it is so hard to leave so the love I feel in return. Mr. Vernon gave me a piece of jewelry that he made that is a musical G-cleff with a heart so I could remember my drummers.

My drummers....remember that they were the discipline problems to begin with - I had a professional drummer - the one who made the drums...come to hear them on Wednesday at my condo - we played on the beach side and had pizza. He was so impressed that he is going to continue the drumming school. We had other drummers - adults - come by and stop and they were very impressed. The children were so worried that they wouldn't get to keep drumming but God answers prayers as I could stand to dissappoint them.

It was a very trying week. I can't g0 into how hard it was but if you want to see it go to the Ambergris Caye website and check out the San Pedro Daily Sun for Thursday of last week. The headlines inlcude - Police vs. Holy Cross or something like that. I will fill you all in when I get there. I felt like I ws back in Prentiss county Mississippi in 1985. some of you understand a good ole boy system. enough said.

Monday - I was in Belize City doing a workshop for all the Anglican School Vice principals. It was really good to make that connections and meet them. It was fun and I have become fond of the water taxi - the ride across the ocean is relaxing. The ocean is just a healing force for me - physically, spiritually, emotionally...what will I do without my ocean - I do not even need my blood pressure pills here...

I had a very hard time telling Amrie good-bye tonight. She is the PhD student who has been working with me from Germany. She has a cousing here also - Christoff - who has become a good friend. He is working with Dr. Danny while working on his medical degree. they are both awesome people and I will miss them so much. We have become very close and I can't stand to think i will be in MS and she is Austria.

Biggs gave me a bear hug and told me to suck it up that I would be back. Leave it to Biggs to st me straight. He actually allowed me to cry though.

Well, I am packed and ready for bed. Mr. Victor, my taxi driver/counselor will not allow me to go to the airport with the folks from Paradise Villas so he is picking me up at 8:30 am. I have said my good-byes and given my "I will be back!"

I will be home tomorrow night - so see some of you very soon.