Tonya has left as of this morning. I came to school and so many of the children asked me - "but where is Ms. Tonya?" She connected to several of the children. I think her family better check her suitcases as if she thought there was a way to get them through customs, I am sure she would have them in her suitcase. The children all want to know if she is coming back...so family and friends - just be ready for her to return. Tonya also left me a "list" of many things to do for follow-up. Gotta love those "list" people! For those of you who see Tonya - ask her to see the video of our drummers in the central park yesterday. When she sends me the pics, I will post them. then ask her to see the pic with her new best friend and hero. I can't tell the story until she returns home as I do not want to spoil her story-telling....and she has a few stories to tell! Gonna miss her and Pam...life was not dull at all while they were here! And they were so supportive and so much help.
We (Tonya, Amrie and I) took nine 8-year old boys and three older girls to the central park yesterday to perform drumming and garifuna dancing. We had a blast. When we were done I let them get something from the snack place across the street....ice cream, nachos, popcorn...we got a lot attention from the drumming and dancing and several comments on how good they wee doing from other musicians on the island.
Our little boy who was malnourished and had parasitesand was being lashed and just cried and cried is now blowing bubbles and laughing. I just went by his class and he was participating and smiling. The doctor prescribed TLC...guess the medicine is working.
Tonya and Amrie had me work in the sandbox yesterday for my own therapy. I was ambushed. So I did it. Pretty much showed I have a blank slate for what my future holds, I have old dead stuff in my unconscious that doesn't matter anymore, I have good, serene feelings surrounding maternal side and females and I have all my children here in the midst of sharks where I can get to some of them and not others and I am not having very good feelings about males....well, guess that works! Amazing.
For those who would like a laugh...imagine that almost every man who has had interest in me or me them in the past or currently on this island showed up at kareoke Sunday night. (That is not many...just a few characters.) Of course my life is an open book so everyone knows my stories...bartenders, random others...so I got a lot of teasing and I was just laughing...decided my song of the night would be "Crazy" by Patsy Cline...I sang it very well thank you....with feeling. then I sang "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille" and "Pop a top Again"...I don't even know... I put your picture away, Any man of mine....I was sung to also..."If drinking don't kill me - your memory will"...."he stopped loving her today"...."step right up, come on in, if you want to take the grand tour"....oh yeah...it was one of those unforgettable nights. My friends at Paradise Villas were like...what are you doing to these men? Nothing. All in all it was a crazy fun night. Everyone kept laughing. Of course, Tonya has her story. Tonya was so happy to find punta music - she hates old country. By the way, in case she does not tell it - Tonya can PUNTA DANCE.
I have to tease Johnson. he is driving a red golf cart. I asked him if it was in case he and "the other red golf cart" crash - they won't leave a different color paint on each other's cart. He didn't think that was very funny.
IIIIIIII LLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!
Miss and love y'all.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
How to leave?
I have had many responses to the reality blog. I have about determined that living in Belize for 5 months and working very closely with the families and children from San Mateo and other communities has given me a dose of the reality in which persons on this island live. I am not in the same place as those who come for a week or two or the Americans and those from other countries who come here to live but re-create as much of the comforts of home as possible - not all but many.
I know the culture here is just different from the culture at home. I think that is what makes it not feel real. Each has their own reality.
My reality here is that I have become very connected to the children and the families. The children show me so much love. I love them. It makes me happy to have a life that is more full of love than negativity and complaining. I like the slow pace and the time taken to just sit and talk. I like that I can have leisurely meals in the evening and then just have fun with my friends and if I can't find my friends I can just go anywhere and meet someone new and talk. I like that very few hours go by without someone coming by to say hello and to see how I am. I love deciding what I want to eat and going to the store or the vegetable stand and getting just what I need for that meal. I love the "Bush doctor" remedies for most illnesses. I love not having to use air conditioning and keeping my windows open. And of course I love the ocean and the breeze.
So, I find myself thinking about how I will transition to Oxford, Mississippi. When should be my last day at the school? How much time do I need to prepare myself mentally for the return? How do I say good-bye to the children I have worked with and my friends? One would think that this would not be hard for someone who has moved so much throughout life, but this one is very hard. I know I will come back. I am worried about some of the children and then all of the children. I know this is out of my realm of control but mostly I worry that they will think I have left them to deal with everything themselves. Let go of what I cannot control....of course, but that is not without distress.
Tonya has been here and I can't even write about what she has stirred up...I can tell you that several people will remember her visit. She has really helped with one little boy. The 6 year old was being lashed constantly and the caregiver was with-holding food for punishment. He was unkept and had a terrible body odor. His stomach was distended but he was very skinny. He just sobbed and sobbed when I first talked with him. He does not talk very much. We get a lot of head nods. When he worked in our sandbox he put everything in order - even my type, size, color! Tonya is very attached to him...of course she wants to take all of the children home. I told her this one would fit with her very well...they are both OCD.
Tonya has made a discovery that I did not even know about. The mosquitos love her. Even if there is one in my home - it will bite her 10 times. She is so fair skinned that they show up. The Belizeans are always counting her mosquito bites. Tonya asked the kids what to do about the mosquitos - they told her to get this one type of coil that burns (they call it fish). We now have about 15 of these things burning at any one time - smells like an incense store.
Tonya has also taken on the makeover of young girls - she is washing and trimming and curling hair. This has started a beauty shop in our home about every day. She has pictures. I made her go snorkeling yesterday with Reuban. She has pictures. I told her this was a growth experience to go alone. She did it and had a blast - she also did the punta dance last night!
Pam made us nuts. she left Saturday at 1 pm and was suppose to let us know when she arrived. She called Monday morning after she got home and slept 27 hours straight. I guess I work people a little too hard?
love and miss everyone!
I know the culture here is just different from the culture at home. I think that is what makes it not feel real. Each has their own reality.
My reality here is that I have become very connected to the children and the families. The children show me so much love. I love them. It makes me happy to have a life that is more full of love than negativity and complaining. I like the slow pace and the time taken to just sit and talk. I like that I can have leisurely meals in the evening and then just have fun with my friends and if I can't find my friends I can just go anywhere and meet someone new and talk. I like that very few hours go by without someone coming by to say hello and to see how I am. I love deciding what I want to eat and going to the store or the vegetable stand and getting just what I need for that meal. I love the "Bush doctor" remedies for most illnesses. I love not having to use air conditioning and keeping my windows open. And of course I love the ocean and the breeze.
So, I find myself thinking about how I will transition to Oxford, Mississippi. When should be my last day at the school? How much time do I need to prepare myself mentally for the return? How do I say good-bye to the children I have worked with and my friends? One would think that this would not be hard for someone who has moved so much throughout life, but this one is very hard. I know I will come back. I am worried about some of the children and then all of the children. I know this is out of my realm of control but mostly I worry that they will think I have left them to deal with everything themselves. Let go of what I cannot control....of course, but that is not without distress.
Tonya has been here and I can't even write about what she has stirred up...I can tell you that several people will remember her visit. She has really helped with one little boy. The 6 year old was being lashed constantly and the caregiver was with-holding food for punishment. He was unkept and had a terrible body odor. His stomach was distended but he was very skinny. He just sobbed and sobbed when I first talked with him. He does not talk very much. We get a lot of head nods. When he worked in our sandbox he put everything in order - even my type, size, color! Tonya is very attached to him...of course she wants to take all of the children home. I told her this one would fit with her very well...they are both OCD.
Tonya has made a discovery that I did not even know about. The mosquitos love her. Even if there is one in my home - it will bite her 10 times. She is so fair skinned that they show up. The Belizeans are always counting her mosquito bites. Tonya asked the kids what to do about the mosquitos - they told her to get this one type of coil that burns (they call it fish). We now have about 15 of these things burning at any one time - smells like an incense store.
Tonya has also taken on the makeover of young girls - she is washing and trimming and curling hair. This has started a beauty shop in our home about every day. She has pictures. I made her go snorkeling yesterday with Reuban. She has pictures. I told her this was a growth experience to go alone. She did it and had a blast - she also did the punta dance last night!
Pam made us nuts. she left Saturday at 1 pm and was suppose to let us know when she arrived. She called Monday morning after she got home and slept 27 hours straight. I guess I work people a little too hard?
love and miss everyone!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Pam is here! and What is Reality?
My fkrend, Pam, from California is here. she had a crazy trip here. Her palne was delayed in Houston for 3 hours. this meant she was coming in to Belize City at 5:30 pm. She did not understand why the airlines proclaimed this to be a problem for getting to San Pedro. (the planes do not fly from Belize City to san Pedro after dark.) they kept saying it would depend ont he weather - meaning clud cover and sunset. She made it though. She did not knwo where she was staying except for "with Kim". This proved problematic at customs as youhave to put on the immigration form - where you are staying. They let her go and she made the last flight. then she called me and sid I am sitting out on a dirt road by Tropic air and do not know what to do. I was waiting for her at Lime and checking on the flight, so I was right there. she said the taxi drivers kept asking her where she was going and she had to say - I do ot know. she said they just looked at her like she was crazy. I found her and all is well.
We got her settled in and went to eat at the Reef. Of course, she fell inlove with the food. We walked around town a little and since she had been up since 1:30 a.m. we went to sleep. Yesterday she met with Reuban about diving, Biggs about other trips, and then we got a golf cart and toured the island. I was planning on making stewed cicken for her but Johnson took over - I guess no one trusts my cooking or I am too slow or doing to many other things...Butch came over as did Johnson's sister who was in town. the food was great and Pam has gotten inducted into the island. She went cave tubing and to the zoo today. She had to be on the dock at 6:30 a.m. to leave. I woke up at 5:15 a.m. and heard her making coffee and I think she already had showered. I asked "why so early?" she said she was too excited to sleep and just got up. I walked her to the dock and went back to bed.
My email is not working due to some problem with the olemiss server...I am sorry if you have written me anything since Friday as I have not managed to get on it...I will call the tech people tomorrow to find out the problem.
Pam said something last night that I have been thinking about. She said I know why you have a hard time leaving this place - you have a hard time going back to reality. I said, "This is real." and she disagreed. so what is reality? I need feedback on this one...I have been thinking about this all day and can't seem to wrap my mind around what I truly think - my mind just goes into a blur of thoughts - you know the rapid firing kind that you can't sort out? There were many people around yesterday that wanted to meet her. They were all so anxious and excited to tell her about the island and to learn about her. They were creole, spanish, garifuna, east indian, English, American and who knows what else. We had dinner with people I just met. Johnson's sister, Virginia, came in on a sailboat with her husband from Sartinea (8 hours of sailing) to sell a huge boatload of fruits and vegetables. Virginia is a wonderful woman. She sold her produce from the moment she got here - slept on the boat so no one would take her stuff, then walked all over town selling her produce (and we are talking about great amounts) in the heat, and then would not sit still and wanted to do the dishes! It was so much fun talking to her. I am always amazed (and not sure why) at how all women have the same issues - no matter where we are from. She is out selling again today.
Ok - back to the question - what makes this feel so unreal compared to our lives in America? Is it just island life? Is it the friendliness of people you have just met? Is it that you feel cared about? People have the same problems that we have in America and are faced with survival on a very real basis. Their work extremely hard and they work long hours. Is it just the beauty of everything around - the ocean, the palm trees, the flowers? Is it the laid back attitude? When I add it all up it does have a surreal feel but then it is so very real. I have a friend in Memphis who has written about trying to find the same happiness in Memphis that she has on the island. when people look at pictures of me when I am here, they always say - "you look so happy." do I not look happy at home? If I don't, then which place is more real to me?
I have had my lonely moments or days here. I have had frustrations and gotten angry with a few people. The forgiveness here and the ability to get past what has caused disagreements is phenomenal. i am getting lessons in this. So I guess my experiences feel real. so I invite any comments on this.
love and miss you all.
We got her settled in and went to eat at the Reef. Of course, she fell inlove with the food. We walked around town a little and since she had been up since 1:30 a.m. we went to sleep. Yesterday she met with Reuban about diving, Biggs about other trips, and then we got a golf cart and toured the island. I was planning on making stewed cicken for her but Johnson took over - I guess no one trusts my cooking or I am too slow or doing to many other things...Butch came over as did Johnson's sister who was in town. the food was great and Pam has gotten inducted into the island. She went cave tubing and to the zoo today. She had to be on the dock at 6:30 a.m. to leave. I woke up at 5:15 a.m. and heard her making coffee and I think she already had showered. I asked "why so early?" she said she was too excited to sleep and just got up. I walked her to the dock and went back to bed.
My email is not working due to some problem with the olemiss server...I am sorry if you have written me anything since Friday as I have not managed to get on it...I will call the tech people tomorrow to find out the problem.
Pam said something last night that I have been thinking about. She said I know why you have a hard time leaving this place - you have a hard time going back to reality. I said, "This is real." and she disagreed. so what is reality? I need feedback on this one...I have been thinking about this all day and can't seem to wrap my mind around what I truly think - my mind just goes into a blur of thoughts - you know the rapid firing kind that you can't sort out? There were many people around yesterday that wanted to meet her. They were all so anxious and excited to tell her about the island and to learn about her. They were creole, spanish, garifuna, east indian, English, American and who knows what else. We had dinner with people I just met. Johnson's sister, Virginia, came in on a sailboat with her husband from Sartinea (8 hours of sailing) to sell a huge boatload of fruits and vegetables. Virginia is a wonderful woman. She sold her produce from the moment she got here - slept on the boat so no one would take her stuff, then walked all over town selling her produce (and we are talking about great amounts) in the heat, and then would not sit still and wanted to do the dishes! It was so much fun talking to her. I am always amazed (and not sure why) at how all women have the same issues - no matter where we are from. She is out selling again today.
Ok - back to the question - what makes this feel so unreal compared to our lives in America? Is it just island life? Is it the friendliness of people you have just met? Is it that you feel cared about? People have the same problems that we have in America and are faced with survival on a very real basis. Their work extremely hard and they work long hours. Is it just the beauty of everything around - the ocean, the palm trees, the flowers? Is it the laid back attitude? When I add it all up it does have a surreal feel but then it is so very real. I have a friend in Memphis who has written about trying to find the same happiness in Memphis that she has on the island. when people look at pictures of me when I am here, they always say - "you look so happy." do I not look happy at home? If I don't, then which place is more real to me?
I have had my lonely moments or days here. I have had frustrations and gotten angry with a few people. The forgiveness here and the ability to get past what has caused disagreements is phenomenal. i am getting lessons in this. So I guess my experiences feel real. so I invite any comments on this.
love and miss you all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Lazy days in the sun
I am officially on Easter break. I have sadly left my faculty report for now so it is cutting into my days in the sun. I guess it is keeping me from becoming totally ruined for work though. It is amazing how quickly I can become so lazy that I do not even want to walk to get food. I love food - especially Belizean food. I was thinking last night if I missed any food in the States. sometimes I get hungry for a reuban sandwich and I might think about the prime rib at Boures - good martini's (is that a food?) and American tacos(which are very different form Belizean tacos) but i can for sure tell you that i am not missing the fast food at all. Of course I do have a food court in the park and with the street vendors but it is fresh food. I have learned to cook Belizean style and wonder if I can cook anything American except grilled cheese and oatmeal.
I have two friends coming to stay with me. Pam is from University of California at Chico and Tonya is from Mississippi. Both are social workers. Pam is a professor and Tonya works for MDHS in child welfare. It will be so good to have them here. I always love seeing a first time visitor in Belize see the ocean here for the first time. It is also fun to watch new folks experience all the cool and different things here. It seems like new visitors can always find something that I didn't know about too. Pam will be diving and I am not sure what Tonya likes but they will both help me at the school.
I need to work on this activity report. argh.
love and miss you all.
I have two friends coming to stay with me. Pam is from University of California at Chico and Tonya is from Mississippi. Both are social workers. Pam is a professor and Tonya works for MDHS in child welfare. It will be so good to have them here. I always love seeing a first time visitor in Belize see the ocean here for the first time. It is also fun to watch new folks experience all the cool and different things here. It seems like new visitors can always find something that I didn't know about too. Pam will be diving and I am not sure what Tonya likes but they will both help me at the school.
I need to work on this activity report. argh.
love and miss you all.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
physician heal thyself
I have been sick since Sunday. some kind of upper respiratory crud. I went to the doctor and was given some antibiotics. I have been in the bed for 3 days and I am ready to be better. In all of this though I have had a lot of time to think. I know most of you are saying "uh oh". I mostly cleared my mind and rested but it came to me that I have not been following my own rules for staying healthy in a traumatic line of work. It may not have seemed to me like my life was full of traumatic events and my mind was not on how it was affecting me. I know I allowed myself to get to wore out and I was not balancing my life with other good things. Sometimes, I think, there are so many wonderful things that happen with the children that i do not see how the trauma that they are going through has an effect on me. I am on break for Easter now and I am going to refuel. It is amazing to me how I have studied and researched the effects of indirect trauma, written a book on it, do workshops all over the country...and still it sneeks up on me. Just the nature of the beast, I suppose, I think I can handle anything - and I probably could if I was managing it all properly. I will do better. Miss you all and love ya.
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